Saturday, June 27, 2015

Unholy Mantra

This might seem like a strange follow-up to my last post, but in the interest of keeping it real, here it is.

WARNING: If you're offended by profanity, stop here.  And if after reading this you feel the need to correct me, suggest that I change my attitude, or comment negatively, please don't do it, just don't.

I have a half written blog post from last year about whether or not it's appropriate for Christians to swear.  My short answer is that words are just words and it really depends on your attitude and your audience.  I don't really swear, but I don't mind if you do.

Ever since Mark died my brain has had a very hard time processing the fact that he's gone and the way he went.  When I revisit the events of that day all I can do is shake my head and say, "Fuck!"  The fact that he's gone is unfathomable.  The only word that adequately expresses my disbelief is fuck.  Sometimes I yell it alone in the car.  Sometimes I repeat it in my head over and over like some kind of mantra.  It's the only word I've found that can clear my head of horrible thoughts.

You might be thinking that I should have some other mantra, a more peaceful, holy mantra. I'm not there yet.  I've tried saying Jesus over and over again.  It's not the same.  Maybe someday.

Today we celebrate that we're ten years out from John's leukemia diagnosis.  This is also the day last year that Mark was diagnosed with depression.  The beginning of the end.  Fuck.


  1. "FUCK" provides an emotional outlet like nothing else! Maybe it's my job and the things be seen, but FUCK is the only word to describe a call that comes in for "baby not breathing, CPR started", or "MVC - one ejected and unresponsive", or "shotgun to the face". I look at my partner, say, "FUCK", take a deep breath, and go to work. FUCK is a private emotional outlet so I can be professional in public. Thanks for keeping it real, Annie. Press on. And when those unfathomable thoughts come, FUCK the shit out of them. God knows our hearts!

  2. You are fucking awesome, Ann, and you can say whatever the fuck you want. Sometimes only the F-bomb will do. Loved your last post too and I tried to leave a comment but something went haywire. Hope I can figure it out this time.

  3. "God knows our hearts" is perfect. And when someone says "it's going to be okay", "you're safe" or "it'll get better over time", it proves He is sometimes the only one who knows that sometimes it won't be, so He gave us "Fuck!!!" (I prefer three exclamation points.) Love you to Deerwood and back.

  4. Annie, When I read your heartrending post, my first thought was, "But 'Fuck' is a prayer". Then I found this: " I once asked a Jesuit priest what was the best short prayer he knew. He said, 'Fuck it,' as in, "Fuck it; it's in God's hands.' "-Sir Anthony Hopkins.
    Outrage is prayerful. What is that bumper sticker? If you are not outraged, you are not paying attention.
    I hope your outrage serves as a guide to see you through this fucking muck you've been dealt. I love you and your wild curls.

  5. Ann, today I read this post out loud to a patient who is grieving the loss of her child to suicide several years ago. We cried together. Thank you.

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